


Negative Space

by Gibli



Category: Hetalia - Fandom, Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Artist Lovino, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Model Antonio, Nude Modeling, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-24 21:48:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22324927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gibli/pseuds/Gibli
Summary: Sometimes a piece of art is more defined by the negative space than the positive. Sometimes it's the lack of something that brings more meaning to the piece as a whole. Art student Lovino Vargas understood this concept in more ways than one.  Ever since his brother passed away from cancer, he had been learning how to bring meaning into his life without Feliciano by his side. He starts to question everything when he meets Antonio, but will it be for the better or for the worse?
Relationships: Spamano, references to GerIta
Comments: 7
Kudos: 10





	1. Beginning

* * *

_Lift your head and look out the window_

_Stay that way for the rest of the day and watch the time go_

_Listen, the birds sing, listen, the bells ring_

_All the living are dead and the dead are all living_

_The war is over and we are beginning_

* * *

  
  


Everything was a mess and Lovino had no idea what to do. 

Surrounded by the dusty cobwebs of his past and the timid spark of hope for the future, his sense of direction was gone as he no longer knew which way was up or down. Everything was different. Nothing was where it was supposed to be. The work before him seemed like a Herculean task of stamina and persistence. Where was he supposed to start in this mountain of responsibilities and uncompleted tasks?

“Dude! You finally made it!”

Lovino was distracted from his thoughts when Alfred, his new roommate, walked in the front door and made his way through the maze of boxes in their apartment living room to greet him. Alfred had been living in their new place for the past couple days while Lovino only just arrived. He tried not to huff too much when Alfred pulled him into a tight hug, but did not waste too much time before pushing him away. Alfred took this as an opportunity to look around at the literal mess around them, letting out a low whistle.  
  
“Man, you brought a lot. Did you bring kitchen stuff? Mattie took everything from our parents for his own place so I’ve been eating, like, only microwave meals for the past week.”

Lovino rolled his eyes before falling down on the couch- the one piece of furniture Alfred did bring with him. “Yes I brought kitchen stuff. And I might just hit you with my cast iron skillet if you ever mention microwave meals in front of me ever again.” Alfred laughed. “I’m serious.”

He glanced around at the boxes around him. He really did have a cast iron skillet somewhere. He never personally used one, but his grandfather swore by it. He wondered if his grandfather knew of any college student who used anything other than a five dollar frying pan from Walmart to cook-if they even cooked at all, that is.

Alfred shook off the threat and began helping Lovino unpack before he could argue. He argued any way.

“I can unpack this myself.”

“I know.”

“You don’t have to help.”

“I want to!”

“But why?”

Lovino crossed his arms as he watched Alfred tear the tape off one of the kitchen boxes and started taking out the ceramic plates one by one. Only once the box was emptied did Alfred answer.  
  
“Because I’m your friend and that’s what friends do.”

Lovino pursed his lips at that as Alfred moved on to the next box. Friends. Maybe Lovino just wasn’t use to the concept because he never had that many friends in the past. He and Alfred only became friends recently, and Lovino wasn’t even sure how it happened. They started off simply as project partners in their english GenEd and then for some unknown reason, Alfred kept inviting Lovino to hang out with him and his other friends. Lovino never said yes to the group hangouts- all of Alfred’s friends were probably just as loud and annoying as he was and just the thought of being around more than one Alfred exhausted him- but he did agree to occasional coffee meet ups and study sessions.

Then when It happened and Lovino needed a new roommate, Alfred stepped right up, and the rest was history.

With his thoughts getting too close to “It”, Lovino shook his head and started unpacking more boxes.

Everything might be a mess, but he could at least keep the apartment clean.

* * *

“Come on, Lovino! We’re going to be late for the movie!”

Lovino rolled his eyes at his brother’s eagerness but followed him across the parking lot of the movie theater. He wasn’t even sure what movie they were seeing, but Feliciano was just so excited that he couldn’t help but smile.

It was a bright sunny day. A light breeze blew through his brother’s hair as Feliciano smiled at him- the sunshine glowing around his head like a halo. The sight of this almost angelic presence made Lovino’s stomach twist into knots. He stopped walking.  
  
“Lovi? What’s wrong?”  
  
Lovino shook his head and stared at his feet. What was wrong? What was wrong with him? Why did his stomach hurt? Was he sick? Did he eat something bad?  
  
He only looked up when Feliciano reached out and gently held onto his hand. When his brother smiled, he smiled right back at him. Feliciano reached up to wipe something off his cheek- when did he start crying? Why was he crying?  
  
Why was he crying? Why did his stomach hurt? Why couldn’t he remember what movie they were seeing?

Something was wrong. Something was very wrong and he couldn’t quite put his finger on what.

“Feli, I don’t think we should go into the theater.”

“Why not?” Feliciano stepped away from him and frowned. “Don’t you want to see the movie with me?”

Lovino shook his head again. He felt dizzy. Something was wrong. “Let’s just go home,” he begged. “Please, let’s just go home. Something’s wrong. We can’t go into the theater, okay? Please let’s just go home right now.”  
  
Feliciano simply laughed at him and began walking away.

No, no, no. No no no nononono. No he couldn’t leave him! He couldn’t. He needed Feliciano back. He needed his brother.  
  
“Feli, wait!” Lovino went to chase after his brother as he walked inside the building, but it felt like something was holding him back. Suddenly, he couldn’t move his legs normally. It felt like he was dragging himself through tar.  
  
But he made it to the door eventually and walked inside.

He was greeted by his bedroom which made Lovino sigh in relief. Yes. Home. This was where he needed to be. Home was where everybody was safe.

Exhausted from his moment of panic he decided to go to bed early. Reaching into his dresser he pulled out a t-shirt to change into as well as some boxers. However, he froze when he lifted his shirt over his head.

Was that… a bump?

Right there where his spine met his skull there was a large round bump.

A tumor.

Lovino looked down at his now naked chest and realized there were now bumps everywhere. His body was covered in tumors. The tumor on his neck grew bigger and bigger. More tears fell. Where was his brother? Where was his grandfather? 

Lovino rushed to the mirror to take a look at himself and see just how bad everything was- but it wasn’t his own reflection he saw.

It was Feliciano.

* * *

Lovino woke up in a cold sweat. Disoriented and confused, it took him a moment to reel in his emotions and recognize where he was. Throwing his blankets to the side, he rubbed his eyes then picked up his phone and glared at the screen. 4:36 am. His first class wasn’t until 8 but there was no way he was going to go back to sleep now.

Admitting defeat, he got out of bed and shuffled into the kitchen where he started brewing coffee. He hadn’t been sleeping well ever since he moved in. He was either woken up multiple times throughout the night, or he didn’t sleep at all- although, considering the dreams he had been having, that might have been a good thing.

He took a sip of his drink. Who needed sleep when there’s coffee?

And Lovino highly preferred this bitter drink to the bitter nightmares.

* * *

Newspaper was covering the door window to his first class of the day- drawing from life. Lately they’ve been drawing nothing but still lives, but the newspaper indicated they would have a nude model to work with today. It wasn’t necessarily that Lovino was excited to stare are some wrinkly old dicks and boobs that day, but it was a relief to have a change in practice.

Entering the classroom, he noticed the model wasn’t there yet- they must be off changing into their robes- but the center of the room was set up with foam padding, fabric, pillows, and a small space heater. He silently set up his easel and paper in the circle of other students and waited as the professor gave a speech about respecting the model and the timeframes they would have to work with.

As she gave the speech, Lovino checked his phone. He had a couple of messages from Alfred.

> **Alfred** Today at 8:05 am
> 
> so is this coffee up for grabs???
> 
> **Alfred** Today at 8:07 am
> 
> ill take your silence as a yes
> 
> **Alfred** Today at 8:10 am
> 
> also when do you get back from class??? I was thinking about throwing a little party or somethin this weekend and wanted to talk it over with you!
> 
> **Alfred** Today at 8:10 am
> 
> could be a lot of fun!!!

Alfred was in the middle of typing another message when Lovino heard the door open and close- the model. Lovino tore his eyes away from his screen and pocketed his phone, but when he looked up to see the model- it wasn’t the 60 year old man he was expecting.

Oh no.

It was a young man, probably barely older than most of the students in the studio. He had chestnut brown curls and bright green eyes and a square jaw- he looked like Michaelangelo himself sculpted him out of the finest marble.

Lovino tried not to stare and instead focused on organizing his materials on the stool next to him-vine charcoal, compressed charcoal, kneaded eraser, red and white c- wait. Where was his white conte?

He dug through his bag as his professor explained their goals and time limits. Lovino didn’t entirely hear what she said, but he did find his white conte just in time to look up and see the model drop his robe.

Well then.

The professor started the timer and Lovino quickly shook away any improper thoughts in order to start his sketching.

Sketch after sketch. Pose after pose. Lovino’s head left the gutters and focused on nothing more than his art- how the charcoal crumbled on the paper, how the light created shapes that danced along the model’s back. He focused on weight and movement and contour and nothing else. His art was becoming his haven- his escape from the thoughts that clouded him daily. 

Soon it came time for the model to take a break, so Lovino pulled out his phone to check his messages.

> **Alfred** Today at 8:16 am
> 
> it doesnt have to be a big thing! amd you can bring your art friends over!!!
> 
> **Alfred** Today at 8:16 am
> 
> and*
> 
> **Alfred** Today at 8:17 am
> 
> so watcha say?????
> 
> **Lovino** Today at 8:36 am
> 
> if people stay out of my room then i don’t give a shit.
> 
> **Alfred** Today at 8:36 am
> 
> :D

“Wow, these are really good!”

Lovino nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard the voice from right behind him. Turning around he saw the model himself, still dressed in nothing but his loose robe. All Lovino could do was respond with an ineloquent, “What?”

“Your sketches,” the model clarified. “They’re really good.”

“Oh, uh, thanks I guess.” 

Lovino struggled to sound coherent as he talked. Normally the models just sat in the corner of the studio for a while. Sometimes they would walk around to peek at the students’ art. None of them actually talked to the students.

“I’m Antonio, by the way.” Except for him. He held his hand out to Lovino. Lovino ignored it.

“Lovino.”

“Nice to meet you!” Antonio lowered his hand and smiled brightly, unphased from Lovino’s rude behaviour. 

Lovino opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by the teacher gathering everybody’s attention and calling them back to their easels.

“Oh well that’s my cue!” Antonio left Lovino’s side and made his way to the center of the room where he dropped his robe and started posing once again.

* * *

“Oh, Lovino! Stop! You’re too cute sometimes, you know that?”

Belle laughed and Lovino simply smiled at her and leaned sideways on the wall next to his best friend. Alfred’s party was well underway- the lights were dim, fairy lights were hung, the apartment was crowded with guests and the alcohol was abundant. 

While originally Lovino planned to just stay locked in his room during the party, Alfred had dragged him out insisting that partying would do him good. And maybe he was right. Because once Lovino started drinking and talking to his friend and flirting with strangers, all his troubles seemed to disappear. This was the best he had felt in months.  
  
“I’d say more charming than cute.” Lovino grinned and took another sip of his drink. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was- some concoction Alfred put together that he called Jungle Juice, and Lovino also wasn’t sure how much of it he had had.

“Oh yes, so charming the way you’re hitting on every boy and girl here. You’re going to break somebody’s heart tonight if you’re not careful.”

“Maybe that’s the goal.”

“Lovino!”

Lovino laughed as Belle scolded him. He took some time to scan the room.

“Besides,” he continued, “I’m done flirting. There’s nobody here prettier than you, so what’s the point?”

“Watch it. I have a girlfriend you know.”

“What? Liz can’t share?”

Lovino only laughed harder when Belle started hitting his shoulder, but it died off when he noticed somebody in the crowd.

The model. Antonio.

He was wearing a maroon v-neck tee shirt that was just a little tight on him and slim dark jeans. He was talking to somebody- a guy Lovino faintly recognized from last year’s figure drawing class- with long blonde hair and that annoying scruff on his chin that he refused to shave. He, however, was pulled away from the conversation by some girl, leaving Antonio alone. Lovino turned back to Belle.

“Fine, you want me to flirt with somebody else then?”

“I didn’t say that-“

“Watch this.”

He handed his drink to Belle who just rolled her eyes as Lovino sauntered up to the guy.

“You know, you look great but I think I prefer the last outfit I saw you in.”

It was easy- drinking and flirting. He hadn’t done it in a while but it felt like falling into old bad habits. Feliciano always told him it was an unhealthy way to cope with his emotions. Lovino would snap at him to mind his own business.

_“I just hate seeing you like this, Lovi. I’m worried for you.”_

_“You’re the last person who should be worrying about anybody, Feli.”_ _  
__“But you’re my brother and I love you and I want to know that you’ll be okay when I-”_ _  
__“Stop.”_

Stop. No, he was not going to have these thoughts tonight.

Antonio’s eyes had widened slightly at Lovino’s line, but it only took him a split second to realize who was talking to him. 

“Lovino! I didn’t think I’d be lucky enough to see you again!”

Despite being the one to initiate flirting, Lovino was admittedly thrown off by Antonio’s response. Lucky to see him again? Why would he- they barely talked! And it’s not like _Lovino_ was the model. 

He was even more thrown off when he noticed Antonio looking past Lovino and mouth the words, “This is him!”

Lovino turned around to see that Antonio was talking to his friend who gave Antonio two thumbs up. Well they’re not very good at being discreet, are they?

Or maybe they’re just as drunk as Lovino was, because, well, he was pretty far gone at this point. Maybe that’s why he didn’t let Antonio’s strange behavior faze him anymore than it had already. Instead, he gently took Antonio’s hand and guided him so his back was to his friend and all of his attention could be on Lovino once again.

“Well you did come to my apartment,” he continued with their conversation.

“Really? Your apartment?” Antonio’s eyes widened briefly in surprise. “Wow! I guess the world really was pulling me towards you, huh?”

Lovino felt his cheeks warm. No. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. _Lovino_ was the one flirting. It should have been _Antonio_ blushing. Not the other way around.  
  
But maybe Lovino could still fix this. He could still take control. He stepped closer to Antonio, cursing the one inch that made Antonio taller, causing Lovino to look up to meet his eyes.  
  
“Yeah?” He questioned, his voice purposefully low. “And what does the world want us to do now that we’re together again?”

Lovino couldn’t help the self-satisfied smirk that crossed his lips when Antonio opened his mouth, at a loss for words. Lovino gave him a moment to respond, but when he didn’t, Lovino filled the silence himself. 

“Because I might have an idea or two-”

The rest of his sentence was cut off when one random party-goer bumped into Antonio who stumbled but luckily caught himself before he could fall. The culprit quickly apologized and rushed away, giggling to themselves at their actions. Lovino rolled his eyes before he looked down and realized-  
  
“Ah, shit.”

-that Antonio’s drink had spilled all over his shirt. And a quick look at Antonio made him realize that it got all over Antonio’s shirt as well. Well. That was a mood killer. Lovino made a face as he pulled on his shirt, separating the now sticky fabric from his skin.

Antonio was also making a face at his own shirt before he saw Lovino’s. 

“Oh no! Lovino, your shirt! God, I’m so sorry.”  
  
Lovino quirked an eyebrow at him. Antonio sounded like he just ran over Lovino’s cat and was begging for forgiveness.  
  
“Don’t be stupid, it wasn’t your fault. Do you, uh, want to borrow a shirt?”  
  
It definitely wasn’t Lovino’s first choice in getting Antonio out of his clothes. In fact, he had a dozen other ideas that he would have rather used than this one. But Lovino wasn’t always an asshole and he wasn’t going to make Antonio suffer the rest of the party with a sticky shirt, or worse, make him leave early to change.

When Antonio nodded, Lovino took his hand and led him to his room.

* * *

Lovino wasn’t sure how long they were actually in his room for. They did grab new drinks on their way in- to replace the one that Lovino gave to Belle and that Antonio spilled- and were not-so-slowly drinking them as they talked.

For a while, that really was all they did- just talk. Lovino had changed into a new shirt and tossed a different one at Antonio, who was now just walking around shirtless with Lovino’s shirt still in his hand as he explored Lovino’s collection of half finished drawings and paintings. When he would compliment them, Lovino would argue, but a smile would still cross his face.

_“Wow, Lovi. I wish I had your talent with drawing!”_

_“Feli, you literally just sold two of your paintings yesterday. People love your work.”_

_“But my portraiture is nowhere near as good as yours! I just love the way you’re able to capture people’s thoughts and emotions. I can never get that when I try drawing Ludwig.”_

_“That’s because Ludwig has no emotions.”_

_“Lovi-”_

Stop.

Lovino wasn’t sure how they moved on from his drawings, but soon something Antonio said was making him laugh. His cheeks were splitting, sore, almost as if they weren’t used to smiling. As dramatic as that sounded, it was probably true. What was it that Antonio said that had him cracking up like this?

“-and while he was asleep, Gil shaved off one of his eyebrows. Oh, Francis was so pissed when he woke up.”

Oh, right. Antonio was talking about his friend. Francis With the Shitty Scruff. Lovino tried to stifle his laughter so Antonio could continue his story.  
  
“-but the thing is, what was he going to do? He couldn’t walk around with just one eyebrow, you know? So he-”

“Oh no.”

“Oh yes.”

Antonio and Lovino both had to take a breath to quell their laughter before Antonio continued.

“So he had to- he had to shave the other one off himself! Oh, Lovino, he was practically in tears. I felt so bad. But Gil- he was still laughing the entire time. Took pictures and everything as blackmail. Well it turns out Francis has even worse blackmail photos of him so it’s been a bit of a cold war between them ever since.”

Lovino wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes and finished off his drink before placing the cup on the floor. He wasn’t sure if it was the party or the alcohol or Antonio, but he was feeling, not exactly happy, but content. The wall that he built around him to hold himself steady was slowly lowering. He took a deep breath and sighed. He wasn’t aware of the fact that he was staring at Antonio until Antonio grinned and stepped closer to him.

Lovino wasn’t sure who made the first move. He wasn’t sure if he cared. Did Lovino place his hands on Antonio’s chest first? Or did Antonio brush Lovino’s bangs away from his eyes? All that he was aware of at that moment was Antonio’s lips on his, Antonio’s hair between his fingers. Antonio’s scent overwhelmed him- soap and spices and a touch of cheap cologne.

Antonio’s hands found themselves on Lovino’s waist as the two of them stumbled backwards and fell onto his bed. Antonio was heavy on top of him as Lovino squirmed to get into a more comfortable position. Antonio’s moan sent shivers down Lovino’s body as Antonio settled once again on top of him.

Then Lovino’s consciousness was just flashes of hands on heated skin and wet lips all over- neck, chest, stomach. At one point he realized his shirt was off and he had no idea where he put it. Antonio’s pants seemed to disappear in a similar manner. His bed creaked and hit the wall a couple times as Lovino flipped the two of them over so he was on top and straddling Antonio’s hips. He kissed his neck once, twice, three times before moving farther down and kissing his collarbone, his chest, his stomach. He reached the light trail of hair under Antonio’s belly button when loud knocking interrupted them.  
  
“Hey! Nobody’s allowed in here!” Alfred’s voice shouted/slurred at them.

Lovino could feel his entire face burn. While a part of him should have been grateful that Alfred was looking out for Lovino, it was overshadowed by the embarrassment of someone overhearing them. Nevertheless, Lovino still responded.  
  
“Get lost, Alfred!”  
  
“Oh!” Alfred’s shock was evident, followed quickly by his own embarrassed words. “Uh, well. Carry on then. Uh. Have fun!”

Lovino remained frozen for a couple moments longer, staring at the door until he was sure Alfred had gone. When he turned his attention back to Antonio, he found him biting his bottom lip, trying, unsuccessfully, to stifle his giggling. Lovino pressed his lips together to muffle his laughter as well.

“Shh. Shut up,” Lovino whispered, smiling. “Someone’s going to hear us again.”

“But how can you expect me to remain quiet with the things you’re doing to me?”  
  
“So you like what I’m doing?”  
  
“God, yes.”  
  
Lovino smirked before continuing his trail of kisses, his hands roaming lightly and slowly from Antonio’s sides, to his hips, and down under his thighs. He could feel Antonio shiver against his lips. He grinned before sitting up on Antonio’s lap and undoing the button on his pants. He froze, however, when Antonio suddenly sat up and grabbed his wrist with a hushed “Wait.”  
  
“Oh,” Lovino responded, his eyes widening in concern. “Do you not want to-”  
  
“No, no, I do,” Antonio interrupted. “God, yes, I do. But I didn’t bring- I mean, do you have-”  
  
“Fuck, right. Uh. Don’t move.”  
  
Lovino ungracefully scrambled off his bed to dig through his night stand, mumbling curses under his breath when he came up empty handed. He then searched through his desk, his dresser, his pockets- each time coming up with nothing.  
  
Noticing his distress, Antonio turned onto his side to address him.”Lovino? If you can’t find one, it’s okay. There are, well you know, other things we can do.”  
  
“No, I’m sure I- wait.” Lovino’s eyes flickered up towards his door, on the other side of which he could still hear the party. “Alfred. Alfred probably has some in his room.”

“Are you going to-”

“Shut up and hand me my shirt.”

Antonio tossed Lovino his shirt, which Lovino missed, picked up off the floor, and threw on without a second thought. With one final instruction to Antonio to not move and keep looking pretty, Lovino snuck out of his room and started making his way through the crowd of party-goers.

He didn’t pay attention to who he was bumping into. He had a mission to complete and a horny model to get back to. He didn’t have time for any distractions.

But distracted he was by one person in particular. The last person on this planet who he wanted to see.

Ludwig Beilschmidt. 

_“Lovi! This is my friend I told you about-Ludwig!”_

_“It’s nice to meet you, Lovino.”_

No.

Ludwig’s head turned and their eyes met. Lovino felt his whole body tense and his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

 _“Ludwig invited me to go see this movie with him. I’m not sure if it’s a date though? He didn’t say but-”_ _  
__“Well I hope for your sake it’s not.”_ _  
__“Lovi!”_

Stop!

Lovino forgot about his mission immediately. He took a step towards Ludwig, and then another.

_Ludwig stepped into the bedroom with a bouquet in his hands. Both Feliciano and Lovino looked up at him, and while Lovino scoffed, Feliciano smiled brightly. He grabbed his crutches and made his way over to Ludwig, planting a kiss on his cheek._

_“How did you know sunflowers were my favorite?”_

_“They matched your smile.”_

Shut up!

“What are you doing here?” Lovino sneered the words in Ludwig’s face once he was close enough. The people around them moved out of the way while Ludwig stared wide-eyed and scared at Lovino. With no response, Lovino repeated, “What are you doing here?!”

_Lovino waited in the living room, eyes red from hidden tears as he listened to the crying coming from his shared bedroom with his brother. Feliciano wasn’t the one crying. Not this time. This time it was Ludwig, trying so hard not to cry but failing. Feliciano was trying to comfort him._

_What an idiot, Lovino thought. Feliciano shouldn’t be the one comforting anybody! Ludwig had to toughen up._

Stop, stop, stop!

Lovino pushed Ludwig’s shoulder. Somebody next to him shouted for Lovino to calm down, but he didn’t hear them through the haze in his head.

_The low volume of the television was the only noise in the small and crowded hospital room. People were gathered around Feliciano’s bed but nobody was saying a word. Feliciano had been sleeping most of the day, just like all the other days he was there. Visitors came and went, but Ludwig was nowhere to be found._

“Why did you come? Why here of all places?!” Big, fat tears were quickly rolling down Lovino’s cheeks. Ludwig opened his mouth to respond but no words came out. Lovino felt a hand on his shoulder.

_He came on the last day. Feliciano had opened his eyes and smiled at him. Ludwig held his hand and smiled back. He didn’t stay long. He left as soon as Feliciano was asleep again._

Maybe Ludwig was talking. Maybe he was talking to Lovino, but Lovino didn’t hear him. He didn’t hear anybody. The hand on his shoulder was pulling him back. Lovino shouted at whoever it was to let him go.

_Lovino waited. Maybe he didn’t want to see Ludwig at the service, but Feliciano would have wanted him there. Lovino had saved a spot at the front of the church for Ludwig to join him and his grandfather._

“Get out! Get out of my apartment!”

_Grandpa pulled Lovino away and made him sit down so the service could start. Ludwig wasn’t there._

“I hate you! I hate you, and Feli hates you!”  
  
 _He wasn’t there for the wake. He wasn’t there for the burial._

“Lovino, you need to calm down-”

“Get him out! Get him out right now!”

_What kind of asshole doesn’t show up to his own boyfriend’s funeral?_

  
  



	2. Borderline

* * *

_ I'm standing on the borderline _

_ Between two states, I'm petrified _

_ To push ahead or turn back homewardly _

_ I'm a shadow of the past _

_ The shadow of a boy, _

_ A boy who couldn't last _

* * *

According to Alfred, Lovino passed out almost as soon as Alfred pulled him away from Ludwig. Lovino didn’t remember it. In fact, he didn’t remember most of the night, but there were just enough memories for him to feel incredibly, woefully, fatally embarrassed. He went from almost sleeping with an incredibly handsome model, to abandoning the model in order to shout at his deceased brother’s boyfriend and promptly pass out. 

Then wake up and puke in the bathroom. 

Then pass out again.

So Alfred says at least.

It only made matters worse when a couple days later, Lovino walked into class to learn that Antonio was modeling for them again. It felt like a punch to the stomach when he saw Antonio walk in with his robe. It felt like a punch to the face when Lovino noticed that Antonio was trying to look anywhere but at him.

That was fine. Lovino refused to look him in the eyes as well.

Lovino’s whole body was rigid and tense throughout the entire class as memories of the party flashed through his mind as he sketched. With Antonio there right in front of him, Lovino couldn’t help but wonder what Antonio thought of him now that he has seen Lovino at his lowest point. What did he think of that shouting? Of him passing out? Was he still there when Lovino threw up? What did he say to Francis about the whole situation?

It was strange. Lovino wasn’t the one naked in front of a group of strangers, but he never felt so exposed in his entire life. He just wanted to run away and hide.

Antonio left to change eventually while the professor held everyone back to go over next week’s assignment, but as soon as she finished, Lovino packed up his things as quickly as possible and booked it out of the studio. He just wanted to get away from it all.

However, he had no such luck as Antonio was waiting right at the front door of the arts building. He froze. Antonio walked up to him.

“Hey, Lovino,” Antonio greeted him. He was smiling but Lovino didn’t notice. He was too busy staring at his feet. “I was hoping I’d-“

“Look, I’m really sorry about the party.”

“What?”

Lovino took a moment to squeeze his eyes shut and took a breath before looking back up at Antonio. “I said I’m sorry, okay? I know I fucked up. I’m a fuck up. It’s what I do. I don’t need you to tell me so.”

“I wasn’t going to-“

“It’s just that I drank too much and then Ludwig of all people showed up out of fucking nowhere and-"

“Lovino. I didn’t come here for an apology.”

At that, Lovino closed his mouth, his eyebrows drawn together as he looked at Antonio quizzically. “Then why are you here?”

“Well,” Antonio rubbed the back of his neck. “I, uh, still have your shirt.”

“Oh.” Lovino’s shoulders slumped. He wasn’t sure what justified the disappointed feeling in his chest. 

“And I, uh- well. I wanted to ask you out. On a date.”

Lovino’s mouth opened and closed as if he wanted to say something, but he found no words. A date? After everything that happened the other night, Antonio, the model he abandoned half naked as he yelled and passed out, wanted to go on a date with  _ him _ ? 

Antonio face fell at Lovino’s silence, so he stammered out, “It’s just- I really think we connected at the party. And not just the making out I mean- I mean, like, talking to you too. It was a lot of fun talking to you so I was hoping, maybe, to talk to you more and-"

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, I- I’ll go on a date. With you.”

Lovino’s face burned red when he saw Antonio’s face immediately transform into a wide smile.

“Oh! Okay!” Antonio responded, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Can I get your number? I have to go now but I can text you to find a good time?”

Lovino nodded and the two of them swapped numbers. With a final smile and a wave, Antonio said goodbye to Lovino before exiting the building, leaving Lovino alone with a stupid smile on his face. 

What would Feli say if Lovino told him about what happened?

_ Somehow, Feli,  _ Lovino thought into the void,  _ I managed to book a date with a model.  _

_ That’s amazing!  _ Feliciano would have responded.  _ I’m so happy for you! He’s so handsome too! _

_ I know. _

Lovino covered his smile with his hand. He probably looked like an idiot standing at the door as dopily as he was. He took a deep breath and walked outside.

* * *

Lovino stood with his hands on his hips as he looked down at his bed where he had laid out half of his closet. Button downs, tee shirts, slacks, jeans, and jackets competed for his attention as he scanned his choices.

What to wear, what to wear…

He almost laughed thinking about how the last time he worried about what to wear for a date was his junior year of high school when he was about to pick up Belle to go to the ice skating rink the next town over. It was the first and last date they ever went on.

Lovino was pulled from his memories when Alfred knocked and peeked his head through his door.

“Hey man, still tryin’ to figure out what to wear?” he asked, but it came up muffled as he had a lollipop in his mouth.

Lovino gave him a look of disgust for talking with food in his mouth. “No, Alfred. I’ve already figured out my outfit which is why I’m standing here all ready to go.”

Alfred was unphased by Lovino’s sarcasm and simply pulled the lollipop out of his mouth to continue. “You know, you’d could always wear, like, a hoodie with a jean jacket and-”

“I do  _ not _ need your help on this, Alfred.”

Alfred shook his head. “Come on, dude. We’ve been over this. I’m your friend and I want to help you-”

“Alfred, this is not me being ‘stubbornly independent’, okay?” Lovino interrupted. “This is me telling you that you have a terrible taste in fashion and I would never step a foot out the door in any outfit you choose.”

Alfred held up his hands defensively. “Alright, man! Whatever you say. You do you.”

Alfred popped the candy back into his mouth before walking out and closing the door behind him. With a sigh, Lovino looked down at his bed again. If Feliciano was there, he’d know exactly what Lovino should wear. He used to be the only person Lovino would trust with such advice.

Maybe…

“Well,” Lovino whispered to himself, the word almost getting stuck in his throat, “What do you think I should wear, Feli?”

_ Maybe that maroon shirt?  _

“With the black jacket?”

_ No, it’s too warm for a jacket. _

“This button down shirt then.”

_ Yeah! That and those darker jeans. Maybe a tie? _

“No tie. This is a first date for fucks sake.”

_ With a model! _

“It doesn’t- ugh!”

Lovino flopped down on his bed and on top of his clothes, face first into his pillows. Stupid, stupid,  _ stupid _ ! What kind of crazy person talks to themselves pretending to have a conversation with their dead brother? Nobody normal, that’s for sure.

Lovino turned onto his side and pulled out his phone. Maybe he’d just call Belle.

* * *

Objectively, the date was going really well. Antonio picked the perfect restaurant- the food was good, it wasn’t too expensive, and, most importantly, Lovino’s outfit fit it perfectly. The two of them fell back into their easy banter. Antonio told more stories about Gilbert and Francis while Lovino shared stories about Belle. It turned out the two of them had a lot in common as well. They were both a little bit of food snobs. They both studied abroad in Paris. And they both guiltily admitted to binging all of Glee. 

However, throughout the entire time they talked, Lovino’s leg kept bouncing under the table. He wasn’t sure if Antonio was politely talking around the elephant in the room, or if he truly didn’t care about why Lovino yelled at Ludwig like that at the party. Lovino felt the need to explain, but when was the right time to tell your date that your brother died?

Maybe he’d follow Antonio’s lead and just not bring it up unless he asked. That was normal right?

Yeah, that was totally the normal thing to do.

With his new decision, Lovino took a breath and focused on Antonio’s story once more. He wasn’t going to bring up Feliciano.

“-so long story short, that’s how my mom was banned from the rest of my soccer games.”

“My brother died this past May.”

Or he could bring it up out of nowhere. 

Antonio froze and his eyes went wide while Lovino stared down at his plate, completely mortified. Panic began to bubble in his chest as he tried to think of a way out of the situation he just threw himself into. Why did he blurt it out like that?!

“Oh.”

That was all Antonio could bring himself to say after his moment of stunned silence.

Lovino could feel tears build behind his eyes, but whether that was from memories or embarrassment, he wasn’t sure. He pushed on with his explanation. He was already in it- might as well go all the way. 

“I just wanted to explain- you haven’t brought up the party and I just- Ludwig was there. That’s who I was yelling at. He was Feli’s- my brother’s boyfriend.” Lovino scowled at the thought. “And a shitty boyfriend too. He didn’t show up to the funeral and so- well. You know-“

“My aunt died in January.”

“I- what?”

Lovino finally looked up and was greeted by Antonio’s smiling face. Not weirded out, not embarrassed, but strangely enough- smiling.

It wasn’t a happy smile. Not at all. It was a sad smile- but a smile that was patient and empathetic and understanding.

“My aunt,” Antonio repeated. “She died in January. She had a really bad case of pneumonia. One night it got really bad and we were going to bring her to the doctor in the morning but- well we waited too long.”

Antonio looked down, then off to the side, his eyes blinking rapidly as he refused to look at Lovino. Lovino simply reached across the table and grabbed Antonio’s hand. He smiled again at Lovino and pushed on.

“We were pretty close. She moved in with us a couple years ago and- I don’t know. I always felt guilty talking about her with my family because I thought I was just hurting them, you know?”

“Antonio…”

“So I get it.” He squeezed Lovino’s hand. “I get wanting to talk about your brother with me. And it’s okay. I want to know more about him. You must have been really close to yell at Ludwig like that.”

Lovino bit his bottom lip and wiped the tears from his eyes. Yes. Yes they were close. To have somebody acknowledge the reason for his outburst so openly and honestly- Lovino couldn’t keep up his wall. The tears flowed. He tried desperately to pull himself back together, but it was like Antonio just gave him the permission he needed to be sad. 

He wasn’t prepared to hear a sniffle and to look up to see that Antonio was trying not to cry right now.

Lovino smiled. 

“God, we look ridiculous.”

Antonio smiled back.

“We really do.”

They both started laughing and wiping their face. They didn’t even notice their waiter walk up to their table until he spoke.

“Um, I’ll just leave the check here until you’re ready.”

* * *

“I actually met Feliciano once.”

“Really?”

“Yes, very briefly.”

After leaving the restaurant, Antonio and Lovino had made their way across town to a small park near a river. Golden sundrops reflected off the water as the sun began to set. They sat on the ground under the tree as Lovino pulled grass out of the ground while he listened to Antonio talk. 

“Well how did you meet him?” Lovino asked.

“Gilbert is Ludwig’s brother. I went to meet up with him and he was with Ludwig who was with Feliciano. I don’t think they were dating yet, but Gil told me later how obvious Ludwig’s crush on him was.”

Antonio almost flinched when he realized that was probably not what Lovino cared about. He was proved right when Lovino scoffed and rolled his eyes. Antonio pushed forward.

“We didn’t talk much, but I do remember his smile. It was so big and he spoke so fast like we were already best friends.”

Lovino’s hand paused, dropping the grass he had grabbed. “Yeah. Yeah that sounds like Feli.”

“He seemed nice.”

“He was.”

“You seem nice too.”

Lovino looked up from his pile of grass and narrowed his eyes.   
  
“Did you just use my dead brother as a weak segue to a completely terrible pick up line?”

Antonio’s face dropped immediately as his eyes widened at the realization that maybe that is what he did. “What? No I didn’t mean- well I did mean it but not in that way. I was just thinking that- oh. You’re joking.”

Antonio stopped his rambling when Lovino started laughing next to him. Perhaps it was a mean trick to play on his date, but Antonio didn’t seem to mind when, after a moment, his laughter joined Lovino’s.

“Oh my god,” Lovino choked out as he fought to catch his breath. “This is ridiculous.” He took a deep breath and sat up straight. The sun was setting and a light breeze blew through Lovino’s hair.

“What is?” Antonio asked, before taking the jacket he was sitting on and placing it over Lovino’s shoulders. Lovino raised an eyebrow at him. Antonio grinned.

_ Told you you shouldn’t wear your jacket! _

Shut up.

“ _ This. _ ” Lovino answered. “This whole date.”

“Really? How?”

“We spent the majority of a first date talking about death and crying, Antonio. That’s not normal.”

“Oh. Hm.” Antonio seemed to ponder the statement as he looked out across the water. “I don’t know. I kind of like talking about it.”

“Death?”

“Yeah, talking about death.” He shrugged. “I think talking about death is when I feel the closest to somebody. But I don’t know. Maybe that  _ is  _ weird.”

Then it was Lovino’s turn to join Antonio in looking across the water. “Maybe… maybe that’s just human.”

“Then humans are weird.”

“Humans are so fucking weird.”

* * *

“So what happened after that?”

Lovino looked up from where his hands fidgeted on his lap and towards the woman sitting across from him. Her hands were folded delicately across her knee. She wasn’t what Lovino expected a therapist to look like. She was young with short hair. She didn’t take notes while he talked, so he didn’t feel studied like he thought he would. He liked her. 

“Well,” Lovino cleared his throat awkwardly. “We, uh, kissed. A lot. Which really just made the whole thing even more fucking weird.”

“How so?”

Lovino took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He knew what he was about to talk about- where this conversation was heading- and he knew it was going to hurt. Still. If he was going to talk about this anywhere it would be in therapy.

“Well, as we were, uh, kissing, somebody walked by with their kid and this kid ends up pointing at us and laughing and- well the mother pulled them away and in the moment it was kind of funny. We laughed about it. But after they walked away I- well, Feli…” He took another deep breath. “I remembered the one time I walked in on Feli making out with Ludwig. That’s fucked up, right? I can’t even make out with a guy without thinking of my dead brother.” Lovino hoped that his therapist would ignore as his voice cracked by the end of the sentence.

“No, no, Lovino. Of course it’s not fucked up.”

She waited patiently for Lovino to collect himself, which he was trying to do by taking more deep breaths and hoping that the rock in his throat would go away.

Therapy was not something he thought he needed. He only went because Belle asked him to and she seemed so worried for him after Feliciano died- he went because he wanted Belle to feel better. It turned out, however, that he definitely did need therapy, and he started going once a week. While he eventually began opening up more to his therapist, it never got any easier to talk about everything.

Seeing that Lovino had calmed down, she continued. “Why do you think it’s messed up?” she asked.

“I-it’s just that-” Breathe. “It’s just I can’t be happy without Feli. Every fucking time something good happens and I know I should be happy I just can’t b-because-”  _ Breathe. _ “Because even with the good things, I think of him. And even if it’s a happy memory it makes me break down because he’s not  _ here _ anymore.  _ Fuck _ .”

Lovino covered his face with his hands. Why did he always cry? This was the third session in a row where he cried and he was absolutely tired of it.

His therapist waited again and handed him a box of tissues. That’s all his therapist seemed to do lately- wait. Wait and just watch Lovino crumble in front of her. 

“These things take time, Lovino. Your brother died just months ago. You can’t get upset at yourself for not being happy.”

“I’m not mad because I’m not happy. I’m mad because I  _ am _ happy.” Lovino almost spat the words at her. 

“What do you mean?”

“What does it mean if I’m happy at all? How can I be happy when Feli’s gone? If I’m happy then that means I’ve gotten over it. It means that I’m not affected by his absence. What kind of brother am I that I can be happy just months after he died? What kind of shitty asshole brother am I if I can just let him go and be happy?”

Lovino opened his mouth to continue his rant but realized he had nothing else to say. That was it, wasn’t it? To be happy meant letting go of Feliciano, and how could Lovino, even after his death, abandon his brother?

His therapist was about to respond, but before she could say anything he got up and left. He was done.

* * *

> **Antonio** Sunday at 7:13pm
> 
> Hey!!! I had a lot of fun yesterday!
> 
> **Antonio** Sunday at 7:13pm
> 
> I know you said it was kind of weird but I feel closer to you now because of it? I never had a date like that before, that’s for sure!
> 
> **Antonio** Sunday at 7:14pm
> 
> So anyway, i was thinking that theres this end of summer food festival happening this weekend and i think it could be really fun!!
> 
> **Antonio** Sunday at 7:15pm
> 
> Wanna go?
> 
> **Antonio** Sunday at 8:53pm
> 
> We can avoid talking about death this time if that was too much
> 
> **Antonio** Monday at 10:03am
> 
> Seriously if I pushed you too much with all that death talk then I’m really sorry.
> 
> **Antonio** Monday at 10:11am
> 
> That’s the last thing I wanted to do.
> 
> **Antonio** Monday at 10:30am
> 
> Seriously, I’m really sorry.
> 
> **Lovino** Monday at 11:37pm
> 
> I don’t want to go out again.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is done! This is the farthest I've ever gotten in anything I've written lol. I'm a gemini, we're not known for committing to projects, okay?  
> This chapter is a little shorter, and honestly chapter 3 will probably be shorter as well, but really its not about how much is being said but rather what's being said.... right? Sure.  
> The song in the beginning is Borderline by Thomas Sanders!  
> Also in case in wasn't clear, "Belle" is the name I use for Belgium.  
> Anyway, thank you all for the comments and kudos!! I hope you enjoyed chapter 2 and I'll work on getting chapter three ready to go!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! Thank you for taking your time to read this little ol' story of mine. This story handles topics near to my heart, so in a way it's a very personal, venting piece. But maybe there's somebody else out there who can relate to Lovino and therefore myself. It's my first multi-chapter fic (more like first fic period) so I'm excited to get it out there! All of it is already outlined and is just waiting to be written!


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